By: Kevin Jordan

WARNING: The following review may contain as much sex as the movie.

Due to being on kid duty for the week (while the wife is travelling) and coupled with no decent movie to screen that isn’t animated, I decided last weekend to watch Fifty Shades of Grey.  The condition was that I was allowed to comment during the movie while my wife took notes.  Here is how watching Fifty Shades of Grey went for us.


[piracy warning] If this movie is as bad as we think it’s gonna be, piracy won’t be a problem.


(opening credits)

I feel like they shouldn’t be using a song from Hocus Pocus.

Is Marcia Gay Harden one of the best unintentional porn names every?

Me: I keep forgetting you didn’t read the book.

Kevin: um, no!


(Interview scene)

Nice sweater, Grandma.

What.  Does she not know where she is that she dresses like that?

She’s already on her knees.

Can I hold your PEN?

“I enjoy various physical pursuits.”

Kevin: Like banging.

“which author inspired you”

Stephen King, say Stephen King!

“What do you want?”

I want to chew on your pencil some more.

I can see your horrible sweater and ugly blouse, yet I still want to see what’s underneath it.

Two metaphors already:  chewing on his pencil, and now she’s getting all wet.  This movie is NOT subtle.


(back in Anastasia’s apartment)

Staring at his pics

And now I’m going to write some fan fiction.

She still has his pencil.  Roll it in your mouth!  Roll it in your mouth!

Now THERE’s the gay friend.


(hardware store)

“Ana, could you give me a hand out back?”

Yeah. A hand.  In the hardware store.

“Do you want anything else?”

Your vagina.

…That was the worst conversation I’ve ever heard.

Hey big guy. (laughs)

He had a driver take him to the hardware store?!  What a douche.  There is no way that any woman finds that attractive.


(coffee shop)

“Tell me about your family”

“My dad…” “is a vampire”

“My cousin…” “is a wolf”

[Christian abruptly leaves] Sorry, I don’t give a shit.

So, ten minutes in, and they’ve already had the Misunderstanding?


(at the club)

She’s drunk dialing him? Nice.   Thanks for the boooooks….

Why the fuck would he come to get her?

Christian shows up.

Nice.  You missed his shoes, though.

He has a very pointy nose.

Who faints when they’re drunk? I’ve never met that person.


(hotel room)

What the hell just happened?  He goes from I took care of you and changed your vomit clothes to….biting her toast.

“I don’t do romance.”

Except when I send first edition books to people I just met.

You still smell like puke.

“I won’t touch you without your written consent.”

That’s hot.  That’s so hot.  I’m just gonna eye-fuck you all movie until you sign.  Face Caress Fucker.  Oh, just kidding about the not touching you thing.  Shit, that lasted about eight seconds.



NO one is that happy after being interrupted during sex.    It was a pleasure to meet you.  Does my hand smell like vagina?  I’m sorry.  Wait, this is your house.



I don’t do romantic….but I fly women in helicopters to places.

Thanks, I don’t know how seatbelts works.

What is this awful song?

I don’t need to watch where I’m flying.


(his apartment)

Alright, it’s Contract Time.

Douchey thing #2: he has opera playing when he gets home.

My lawyer? His lawyer knows what he does?

That’s what every woman wants to hear, right?  “I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard.”

Now it’s time for you to see my sex jungle.

“Just open the door…”  of looooove.

Douchey thing #3: I keep my sex jungle locked.  In my own house.

Did I mention, I like to fuck. Hard.

No seriously, honestly.  Doesn’t a girl who wears a cardigan to an office building run screaming from this room?

It’s called a flogger.

I do this to women.  Wait. Hold on, scratch that.

Did he just say he’s a Donut?

“what do I get out of this?”

My big boner.

I’m not a romantic, but I hold hands.

“I don’t sleep with anyone.”

Except when I do.  Except with ones who are covered in vomit.

Okay, I just want to point out that this movie is 40 fucking minutes in already.

Please, I gotta know.  How many bases?

You’re biting your lip.

I wanna bite it.  (whispering)

Wait.  But she hasn’t signed the agreement yet.  This guy is the worst businessman EVER.

I’m curious how her underwear changes as the movie goes on.

First nipple at 43 minutes.

DOH.  Male ass cheek at 43:48.

At least the music is better than other porns.

Are they seriously showing him opening a condom?  I really want her to ask “are you gonna fuck me hard now?”

How did you get through this book?!  It’s the least sexy 45 minutes I’ve ever seen.  Including San Andreas.

For someone who is a virgin, apparently, and an English lit major – she sure was like “alright. Hit me.  I just saw your sex dungeon.  I’m good, let’s go.”


(next morning)

She dances worse than I do.

You know how this sounds? It’s like a really bad Dawson’s Creek episode.

I’m not a romantic….i just gently scrub women’s backs in the bathtub.

Nope, I don’t trust you.  We’ve had sex at least three times already.

I can see why people who like the book didn’t like the movie.  Two of the three sex scenes they’ve almost completely cut out.

Less then 24 hours after taking her virginity, he’s already tying her up.


(mother shows up)

That’s why he locks the sex dungeon.

Her name is Grace Grey??

Do you think in the screenplay that they told all the actors to deliver their lines breathy like Twilight?

(whispers) You can decorate it however you want.  (giggles)

I liked your mom.  I met her for 8 seconds.

“That room is much more about pleasure”

For meeeeeeeeeee.

Now, I don’t want to do anything YOU want to do.  But keep an open mind.


(in car)

He has a permascowl on his face.

I’m not a romantic…..but let’s go for a walk.

The other 15 girls were just like “let’s do this dungeon thing.”

I want that car.


(in apartment)

He bought you a new computer?!  Definitely sign!

I’m not a romantic….but I leave helicopter balloons and wine.

I’m gonna get you drunk a little bit, so that you’ll sign my fucking NDA.  After I broke into your house.


(contract meeting)

If you don’t want to be analy fisted, you don’t want a butt plug.  I thought you were an English major.

Heh heh.  My staff.

“I’ll suggest it in Appendix 5”

This is so hot.

There must have been some hard up housewives to really want to read this.

Who’s the submissive now?

How the hell is this Twilight fan fiction?



Douche thing #4:  all that badgering, and then he just leaves.



“you’re biting your lip.  You know what that does to me.”

It makes me think of Kristen Stewart.

We’re gonna come in here and braid each other’s hair.

It also said in the contract, I’m not allowed to wear a shirt in half of this movie.  Oh, wait, different contract.

…lowering the drawbridge.

Here comes the song.  Crazy right noooooow!

[sniffs her underwear}  ahhh NO!!  He just smelled McRib’s underwear.


(dancing in apt)

This is also douchey.  What is that, #6?

Me: no, it’s 5.

Kevin: it feels like 6.


(she dances)

You just ruined sex forever.



Savannnah’s awesome this time of year.


(he calls her)

Remember that time I braided your hair?  I miss you.

Wanna see my glider?  ….best pick up line ever.


[INTERMISSION]  my wife was bored, the movie was so fucking boring, that she was surfing Facebook, and we took an intermission and watched Chris Pratt talking about his toddler.

Is this the Pretty Woman ripoff part of the movie.  “I’m not gonna sell off the company!”

Weird.  We’re gonna have Church Music Sex?!

Really?  You needed safe words for that?  Green!  Green!  Ramp it UP.

Piano sex?  Another Pretty Woman rip off?

Holy god, how long is this movie?  I thought there was supposed to be a lot of sex in this movie.  There’s more sex in an hour of Game of Thrones.

Wait.  Is that the end of the fucking movie??!!

Ok.  Knowing that this movie opened in theaters on Valentine’s Day, I now know there are lot of people that did not have sex on Valentine’s Day.

Rating: Not worth it even if you are paid to watch it.  Every porn ever made is better than this movie.