Movie Reviews

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Top Gun: Maverick

By: Kevin Jordan Shock and awe. If ever there was a movie where my expectations were set to negative one million, it’s every Fast and Furious movie. One tick higher was Top Gun: Maverick. Like every other Gen X/Millennial, I have fond memories of the original Top Gun,...

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

By: Kevin Jordan It’s not complicated. We’ve seen the multiverse coming to the MCU for quite a while. It all started when the Ancient One (Tilda Swinton) taught us about the multiverse in Doctor Strange. We get another glimpse of it in Avengers: Endgame, when the...

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

By: Kevin Jordan Nic Cage is...inevitable. If ever there was a person who could be described as a movie, it’s Nicholas Cage. It’s right there in a title that is as pompous and full of itself as it is long. What really made me want to see the film was the movie poster....

The Bad Guys

By: Kevin Jordan Does farting really make someone bad? It took me a while to put my finger on it, but I finally realized why The Bad Guys failed to resonate with me. The opening of the film shows a wolf and a snake having breakfast at a diner. Everyone else in the...

The Northman

By: Kevin Jordan Alexander Skarsgard is tight. My main goal in writing film reviews is to entertain you while I tell you about a movie. While I can’t even sniff the same comedic galaxy as Pitch Meeting or Honest Trailers, I do my best to come up with jokes to make...

Ambulance

By: Kevin Jordan La-La-Land. It shouldn’t take long into a viewing of Ambulance for you to realize you’re getting a movie that had approximately three minutes of thought put into its screenplay. For reasons that make absolutely no sense, the title highlights the “LA”...

Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore

By: Kevin Jordan How to make magic boring. We are often faced with choices in life that we wish we could go back and choose again. While walking into the screening of Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore, I was presented with a choice of schwag for the film -...

The Lost City

By: Kevin Jordan Pretty, but dumb. No, wait, that’s pretty dumb. Have you ever been to a comedy show or open mic night where the comedian absolutely bombed? That’s what The Lost City is, but with a little bit of silly action and a lot of hammy acting. I’m not saying...

Deep Water

By: Kevin Jordan That’s definitely not a candy bar floating in the pool. One of the first things they teach students in screenwriting class is to write a sympathetic protagonist so the audience has someone to root for. Apparently, the writers of Deep Water - Zach Helm...

Turning Red

By: Kevin Jordan Crimson Tide (or a visit from Aunt Flo). Turning Red is a movie I’m really torn about. You can be forgiven for not knowing what this movie is actually about if you have only seen the preview. Let me help. It’s about puberty. Specifically, a girl’s...

The Batman

By: Kevin Jordan I only work in black. Or really, really dark grey. Batman has had quite the adventure throughout his Hollywood career. Starting way back in 1966 with two dudes wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants, there have been ten live-action...

Studio 666

By: Kevin Jordan What are you doing, Dave? If I were a Foo Fighters fan, I might have been genuinely excited about seeing Studio 666. I couldn’t pick a Foo Fighters song out of lineup, but I’m sure I’ve heard some of their late ‘90s/early 2000s stuff. I might even...

Uncharted

By: Kevin Jordan Inter-National Treasure. Given the number of video games released every year, it’s surprising to see how few of them are adapted into movies. Ever since Super Mario Bros. debuted as the first video game adaptation / cow pie in 1993, it makes sense...

Blacklight

By: Kevin Jordan It is time to stop now, Liam. There’s a new Liam Neeson movie coming out, so it must be February. Put another way, it’s February, so what is the name of the latest Liam Neeson action flick? Put a third way, there’s a new movie about a grizzled old...

Death on the Nile (2022)

By: Kevin Jordan It is just a river in Egypt. Probably. We often hear people complain about the lack of creativity or originality in Hollywood. Almost exclusively, that complaint is directed at big budget blockbusters and franchises. We know that complaint is...

Moonfall

By: Kevin Jordan What if...? In this current age, where conspiracy theorists are given microphones, money, and even elected President, it’s not surprising that we’re seeing them appear as characters in movies and their bullshit confirmed as part of a movie’s plot. In...

Scream

By: Kevin Jordan Old Scream, new Scream, we all scream for no more Scream. I know what you’re thinking - isn’t this Scream 5? I’m obligated to tell you that the official title of this movie is Scream. Yes, it is confusing. Yes, it is indeed the fifth movie in the...

My Year in Movies – 2021 Edition

By: Kevin Jordan Second. Worst. Year. Ever. Well, we made it through another year. I think. It’s hard to tell. 2021 sure felt a lot like 2020. Maybe not quite the rotten asshole of a year that was 2020, but a lot of people sure tried hard to make it as bad.The Covid...

The Matrix Resurrections

By: Kevin Jordan Control-Alt-Delete. Way back in 1999, the idea of a Matrix sequel was a no-brainer. Neo had just destroyed Agent Smith, warned the artificial intelligence that he was going to set everyone’s minds free, and flew off into the sky like Superman. Four...

The King’s Man

By: Kevin Jordan Run Conrad, Run! To franchise or not to franchise? That is the question Hollywood grapples with on a daily basis. Just kidding. Hollywood would franchise your food pictures on social media if they had more than three likes. The only people having...

Nightmare Alley

By: Kevin Jordan Cirque du noir. When you watch films by certain directors, you come to expect certain things. If you watch Quentin Tarantino, you expect the movie to explode into a curse-filled bloodbath. If you watch Roland Emmerich, you know the world is ending...

King Richard

By: Kevin Jordan Athletes are people, too. Over the last few years, I’ve had the opportunity to get to know a few retired Major League Baseball players at the Colorado Rockies fantasy baseball camp. The first time they walked into the room with us, I turned into the...

Eternals

By: Kevin Jordan Forgetting what works. For years, Marvel and its Cinematic Universe (MCU) have been chugging along, producing one great movie after another, with the occasional Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 to remind us that nobody is perfect. Simultaneously,...

Venom: Let There Be Carnage

By: Kevin Jordan Yeah, PG-13 Carnage. In order to understand how low my expectations were for Venom: Let There Be Carnage, think about some of the movies that have come out this year that should have been entertaining, but absolutely crapped the bed. Without Remorse,...

James Bond: No Time to Die

By: Kevin Jordan The end of an era. It has been six long, long years since the last James Bond film (Spectre) graced us with its presence. In fact, those years were so long that I forgot that I created a review format for James Bond films. This is a pleasant surprise...

The Addams Family 2

By: Kevin Jordan Uhhhhhh....naaaaaaah. When I was a kid, I loved watching reruns of the old Addams Family TV show. They made me laugh and I liked the spooky factor. As an adult, I cannot watch reruns of that show. They are terrible. And not terrible in the way of...

The Eyes of Tammy Faye

By: Kevin Jordan Sweet Jesus. Up until a month ago, my exposure to televangelism consisted of two experiences. The first, and recurring weekly, was sitting in the church parking lot after Sunday mass trying to get reception on the little TV in our family van while my...

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings

By: Kevin Jordan I’ll try not to geek out too much on you. With the release of Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, we can officially say the next phase of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) has really begun. Yes, I know Loki and WandaVision and Falcon and the...

The Protege

By: Kevin Jordan Two old guys and a girl. Is it just me or do assassin movies seem to be really hit or miss? Yep, an assassin pun right of the gates. It’s a serious question though. Leon: The Professional is pretty much the gold standard. The first three Bourne movies...

The Suicide Squad

By: Kevin Jordan Let’s try plan B. It’s pretty clear by now that the DC Extended Universe (DCEU) is essentially toast. Or, it’s a giant mess of barely connected movies that nobody has bothered to plan out, but really, it’s both. And that is how we got a sequel to...