Movie Reviews

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Venom: Let There Be Carnage

By: Kevin Jordan Yeah, PG-13 Carnage. In order to understand how low my expectations were for Venom: Let There Be Carnage, think about some of the movies that have come out this year that should have been entertaining, but absolutely crapped the bed. Without Remorse,...

James Bond: No Time to Die

By: Kevin Jordan The end of an era. It has been six long, long years since the last James Bond film (Spectre) graced us with its presence. In fact, those years were so long that I forgot that I created a review format for James Bond films. This is a pleasant surprise...

The Addams Family 2

By: Kevin Jordan Uhhhhhh....naaaaaaah. When I was a kid, I loved watching reruns of the old Addams Family TV show. They made me laugh and I liked the spooky factor. As an adult, I cannot watch reruns of that show. They are terrible. And not terrible in the way of...

The Eyes of Tammy Faye

By: Kevin Jordan Sweet Jesus. Up until a month ago, my exposure to televangelism consisted of two experiences. The first, and recurring weekly, was sitting in the church parking lot after Sunday mass trying to get reception on the little TV in our family van while my...

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings

By: Kevin Jordan I’ll try not to geek out too much on you. With the release of Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, we can officially say the next phase of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) has really begun. Yes, I know Loki and WandaVision and Falcon and the...

The Protege

By: Kevin Jordan Two old guys and a girl. Is it just me or do assassin movies seem to be really hit or miss? Yep, an assassin pun right of the gates. It’s a serious question though. Leon: The Professional is pretty much the gold standard. The first three Bourne movies...

The Suicide Squad

By: Kevin Jordan Let’s try plan B. It’s pretty clear by now that the DC Extended Universe (DCEU) is essentially toast. Or, it’s a giant mess of barely connected movies that nobody has bothered to plan out, but really, it’s both. And that is how we got a sequel to...

Jungle Cruise

By: Kevin Jordan A reel entertaining movie. The Jungle Cruise ride at Disneyland is one of the original attractions from when the park opened. it is filled with animatronic animals and shows every bit of its sixty-six years. Yet, inexplicably, it always has a long...

Black Widow

By: Kevin Jordan Back up a step. Not even a pandemic can stop Marvel. Even with the delayed movie releases, Marvel seemed to be ready for any contingency. WandaVision, Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and Loki have filled in the movie/television schedule that has...

F9

By: Kevin Jordan Dumb a thousand times. F9 is one the dumbest movies I have ever seen. It was so dumb, rather than waste brain cells and precious time thinking about this travesty, I considered just writing the word “dumb” one thousand times and calling it a review....

A Quiet Place Part II

By: Kevin Jordan Everything can hear you scream. Since I did not write a full review of A Quiet Place, just noted it as arguably the best movie of 2018 in my year-end review, it is worth spending a little time here to talk about it before getting into Part II. A lot...

Cruella

By: Kevin Jordan A tale of two Emmas. For years, Disney has been trying to recapture the magic of beloved classics, either by remaking them or attempting to reimagine them, and mostly failing. Alice in Wonderland, Dumbo, The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast,...

Without Remorse

By: Kevin Jordan Until you watch this film. While we continue to wait for theaters to reopen with movies we actually want to pay for, streaming services are still pumping out plenty of content for us to chew on. Three weeks ago, Without Remorse dropped on Amazon Prime...

Wrath of Man

By: Kevin Jordan You think you’re soooo clever. One of the things I enjoy the most about writing movie reviews is learning new things. For instance, did you know Guy Ritchie was nominated for a Golden Raspberry Award (Razzie) for worst director? And if you were...

Mortal Kombat (2021)

By : Kevin Jordan Finish me already. I’m struggling, friends. On one hand, I asked for big, dumb blockbusters to come back. On the other hand, not like this. You don’t need me to tell you that Mortal Kombat is a shit movie catering to the dumbest common denominator....

Voyagers

By: Kevin Jordan No one can hear you conch in space. I hate Lord of the Flies. I hate the book, I hate the 1963 film adaptation, and I hate the 1990 film adaptation. If I had known Voyagers was Lord of the Flies in space, I might not have wanted to watch Voyagers....

Godzilla vs. Kong

By: Kevin Jordan It was everything I thought it could be. This movie is what I have been missing for the past year. Big, loud, dumb blockbusters that promise one thing. Prior to this, Wonder Woman 84 was supposed to be that movie, except not the dumb part. Of course,...

Greyhound

By: Kevin Jordan Living room popcorn just isn’t the same. Prior to the Covid-19 pandemic, Amazon and Netflix were making attempts to cut into the theater business with direct-release original movies on their streaming services. For the most part, those films consisted...

Raya and the Last Dragon

By: Kevin Jordan Has it been so long? I am so happy to watch a new movie that is not Oscar bait (though I’m still happy about those) and not called Wonder Woman 1984. I’m also a sucker for fantastical quest movies, so all this movie had to do was not be, well, Wonder...

Tom & Jerry

By: Kevin Jordan Sorry, grandpa. Before we get to my son’s thoughts about Tom and Jerry, I’m going to weigh in a bit. When I was a kid, whenever we went to my grandparents’ house, we watched Tom and Jerry cartoons with my grandpa. It was the best part of the visit and...

The Trial of the Chicago 7

By: Kevin Jordan A Few Good Men As I write this, it is January 2021. A few days ago, rioters stormed the U.S. Capitol, attempting a violent insurrection of the U.S government, fueled at its core by anger, hatred, and lies. That event is still very raw for us, and in...

My Year in Movies – 2020 Edition

Worst. Year. Ever. By: Kevin Jordan Here are some quotes that have not aged well, due to 2020 being a rotten asshole of a year. “Luckily, we haven’t gone so far down the rabbit hole that we all can’t sit in a theater and enjoy a film together.” “As usual, and despite...

My Spy

By: Kevin Jordan Pet peeves. One of my wife’s biggest movie pet peeves is when kids are smarter than adults. While some kids are most definitely smarter than some adults, this theme almost always goes way too far when asking you to suspend your disbelief. Home Alone,...

Wonder Woman 1984

By: Kevin Jordan Dick move (or, just fast forward to the good part). Wretched. I tried to think of the most appropriate adjective to describe Wonder Woman 1984 and…wretched. And I was looking forward to this film. Yes, I know - this is a DCEU movie we are talking...

Greenland

By: Kevin Jordan Wanna get away? Greenland is the perfect movie for 2020. It includes needless violence; an idiotic treatment of science, government, and the military; and the end of the world. All I wanted was a big, dumb, loud, fun disaster movie to escape into for...

Over the Moon

By: Kevin Jordan It’s sort of a myth. After the very excellent Klaus last year, I was hoping for a good follow up from Netflix in Over the Moon. By the end of the film, I found myself explaining to my son what is a MacGuffin and why the plot’s urgency makes no sense...

Soul & Godmothered

Clear the mechanism. Note: Disney is releasing both Soul and Godmothered on top of each other, so I’m covering them both together with an assist from my eight-year old son. But first… When I play baseball, there are times when I am in such a great groove pitching that...

Come Away

By: Kevin Jordan A tale of two tales. Titles are one of the most important aspects of a film. In one, two, or a handful of words, a title has to tell us what the movie is about, be intriguing enough to convince us to spend money to watch the film, be memorable, and...

Come Play

By: Kevin Jordan There’s an app for everything. Parenting during the pandemic has been quite a challenge. All of the things that are important for children - attending school, being around other kids their age, spreading their time across multiple activities, not...

The Doorman

By: Kevin Jordan A poor man’s, poor man’s Die Hard. As we continue to go without any major movie releases (with the exception of Tenet and Mulan), there is still a small trickle of low-budget films being released to video on-demand (VOD). Typically, these movies tend...