By: Kevin Jordan
Oh, dear god.
Imagine if Jupiter Ascending and John Carter had a baby. Then, imagine if they used that baby as the ball in a game of kickball. Finally, imagine the two star players of the game had all the chemistry, charisma, and playing skills of the goose poop scattered on the field. That is Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.
Rating: Ask for extra money back on top of the money you spent for this film. I continue to underestimate Luc Besson’s ability to deliver worse crap than his previous crap.
Special Ruthless Ratings:
Number of minutes into the movie before Cara Delevingne puts on shirt: 50
Number of times you realized her breasts were her only redeeming quality in this film: 49
How many times did Delevingne’s facial expression change? Negative-8
How old do you think Dane DeHaan is? 17
How old is he really? 31
How believable was the romantic relationship between the leads? Wait, that was supposed to be romance?
How many times did you wish they would shut the hell up about their relationship? 29
How sexist was it that DeHaan’s character’s rank was major and Delevingne’s was just a sergeant? Very
Number of minutes of screen time for Rihanna: 5
Number of minutes Rihanna spends pole dancing: 4
Number of times Rihanna acts a scene out like she thinks she’s getting an Oscar nod: 1
Number of times you caught yourself falling asleep: 9