Movie Reviews

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Irresistible

By: Kevin Jordan Politically correct. The United States Supreme Court has made more than a few boneheaded decisions throughout its not-so-illustrious history. Google “bad supreme court decisions,” grab a very large cup of coffee, and get comfortable for hours of...

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

By: Kevin Jordan Where no one should ever go again. As I noted in my review of Picard, my son has become quite the Star Trek fan. He has most of the actors’ names memorized by role and is borderline obsessed with the Klingons. “Dad, are there Klingons in this one?”...

Picard (Season 1)

By: Kevin Jordan Make it no. A few weeks ago, we introduced our son to Star Trek by way of a pinball machine. The machine included audio dialogue clips from Star Trek (2009) and Star Trek: Into Darkness and he was instantly curious to watch them. As of today, he has...

The Way Back

By: Kevin Jordan Yellow-bellied and lily-livered. The last time I played organized basketball, I was a sophomore in high school. Our team sucked. We finished the season 1-11, mostly due to the fact that we were playing against teams featuring kids who could dunk (we...

Onward

By: Kevin Jordan Are elves aliens? The thoughts of a seven-year old are amazing, especially that he is taking care not to spoil too much. Here are some of those thoughts about the latest Pixar movie, Onward. Alright, what’s the movie we’re talking about right now?...

The Invisible Man (2020)

By: Kevin Jordan See what I mean? There have been plenty of adaptations of H.G. Wells’ classic The Invisible Man, going all the way back to 1933. My personal experience covers the pretty bad Hollow Man (featuring Kevin Bacon) and hot garbage that is The League of...

Sonic the Hedgehog

By: Kevin Jordan Fair enough. My son was looking forward to seeing Sonic for weeks. I was not as enthusiastic, but such are the sacrifices a parent makes for his kid. Unlike him, my memory of Sonic goes all the way back to the original Sega Genesis game, not to...

Downhill

By: Kevin Jordan Dear cruel world. The advantage in avoiding all trailers for a movie is that you do not know what is coming. Unfortunately, that is also the danger. What little I knew going into the screening of Downhill was that it starred Will Ferrell and Julia...

Birds of Prey

By: Kevin Jordan Don’t oversell it. Watching a DC Extended Universe (DCEU) movie is a bit like Charlie Brown trying to kick Lucy’s football. Every time you line up the kick, she promises that, this time, she won’t pull it away. By now, you have slipped four discs in...

The Gentlemen

By: Kevin Jordan Travel well indeed. Guy Ritchie needed a win. After the success of his two Sherlock Holmes films in 2009 and 2011, people largely ignored the very good The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (2015), King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (2017) was an unmitigated...

Troop Zero

By: Kevin Jordan A tale of two movies. Sitting next to each other, in the same theater on the same night, my wife and I saw two entirely different movies. I saw a heartwarming movie with adorable, courageous kids, a solid story, and a tight running time that kept the...

Bad Boys for Life

By: Kevin Jordan So this is what death throes look like. When I was a sophomore in high school, I was a little too talkative one day during math class. My teacher told me stay after the bell rung, and, once everyone else had left the room, told me I could not leave...

Dolittle

By: Kevin Jordan Do you smell something? It seems almost unfair to write about Dolittle. Why on Earth would a movie with a $175 million budget and starring Robert Downey Jr. be opening in the armpit of the Hollywood calendar known as January? All the kids are back in...

Underwater

By: Kevin Jordan Seven miles shallow. As I crawl out from underneath a mountain of award-hopeful movies, a look forward at upcoming releases in January reminds me that twenty-five indie/documentary/foreign films in a row isn’t as long as it seems. Bad Boys 3? Gretel...

My Year in Movies – 2019 Edition

By: Kevin Jordan One is the loneliest number. The previous two years, I have repeated the same opening paragraph in my year-end review - ending the paragraph wondering how aliens hadn’t yet put us out of our misery - and I thought about doing it again. It still...

1917

By: Kevin Jordan Can you handle the truth? If you are into war movies, there are two major ones from which to get your fix. By now, you probably already saw Midway and, depending on what city you live in, might have seen 1917 as well. If not, you are waiting with...

Cats

By: Kevin Jordan Starting right meow. What is the musical Cats about? Apparently, no one knows. Prior to the screening, I asked several people if they had seen it or knew what it was about. The answers I got were, “No” and “I-ah-uh.” Based on my informal survey, most...

Knives Out

By: Kevin Jordan And just a dash of Foghorn Leghorn. We’re finally to the last – arguably the best – big movie season of the year. Unlike the summer, it is not just filled with big, loud blockbusters plus even bigger, louder, dumb blockbusters. The end-of-year season...

Ford v Ferrari

Hot wheels. There are many reasons to choose from when deciding whether or not to go see Ford v Ferrari. Casting is the obvious reason. Despite Matt Damon and Christian Bale occasionally putting their feet in their respective mouths and a lot of people treating Damon...

Doctor Sleep

By: Kevin Jordan You won’t be dozing off in this one. The climax of Doctor Sleep really confused me because it takes place at the Overlook hotel (this is shown in the trailer). For the record, I have managed to watch Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of The Shining exactly...

Terminator: Dark Fate

By: Kevin Jordan Have you seen this bo- …er, girl? Every franchise hits that point where it either has to start over, switch to prequels, or ignore much of what came before it in order to keep audiences coming back for more. The Alien franchise did it with Prometheus,...

Maleficent: Mistress of Evil

By: Kevin Jordan You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. I am almost certain I have used that tagline on previous reviews, but can you blame me for repeating myself? The Princess Bride is a brilliant film with eminently quotable...

The Addams Family (2019)

By: Kevin Jordan Neat. Petite. As usual, my son is providing the meat of the review of new, animated, The Addams Family movie. But this one has a slight twist - his grandma and grandpa are asking the questions. Buckle up folks. Also, he gives lots of SPOILERS, but I...

Gemini Man

By: Kevin Jordan Dude, you got a computer on your face.   Now, this is a story all about how My life got flipped-turned upside down And I’d like to take a minute Just sit right there I’ll tell you how I became the target of a group of elite killers, including a clone...

Joker

By: Kevin Jordan Why so serious? Apparently, there is some controversy surrounding the new film Joker. I had no idea this was happening until I started poking around the Internet for early reviews and first impressions of the movie. Instead, I found several stories...

Abominable

By: Kevin Jordan A snowball’s chance. Abominable left so little impression on me that I forgot I saw it for three days. That is when my son asked me when we were going to do his interview for the movie. Once we starting talking about it, the film came back to me, but...

Ad Astra

By: Kevin Jordan Latin for “Dad is a dick.” Every year, I have the same three movie wishes. One, that there is one really good movie that comes out of nowhere. Two, that there is one good science fiction film. Not fluffy sci-fi like Star Wars (though I do want more...

Don’t Let Go

By: Kevin Jordan Or, you DIE, DIe, Die, die… I went into Don’t Let Go knowing nothing more than the title, a very brief plot summary on IMDb – “After a man's family dies in what appears to be a murder, he gets a phone call from one of the dead, his niece. He's not...

The Angry Birds Movie 2

By: Kevin Jordan You recognize this film by the way it hits your windshield. A hallmark of a good PG movie is an ability to appeal to both kids and adults. Smart writing and mature jokes for the adults; smart writing, bright colors, and silliness for the kids. Pixar...

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

By: Kevin Jordan A creepy throwback. I wonder what kind of childhood Guillermo del Toro had? The creatures that he comes up with for his movies and television shows suggest his childhood was…not good? Haunted? Disturbed? When I found out he was involved with the...