Movie Reviews

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Knives Out

By: Kevin Jordan And just a dash of Foghorn Leghorn. We’re finally to the last – arguably the best – big movie season of the year. Unlike the summer, it is not just filled with big, loud blockbusters plus even bigger, louder, dumb blockbusters. The end-of-year season...

Ford v Ferrari

Hot wheels. There are many reasons to choose from when deciding whether or not to go see Ford v Ferrari. Casting is the obvious reason. Despite Matt Damon and Christian Bale occasionally putting their feet in their respective mouths and a lot of people treating Damon...

Doctor Sleep

By: Kevin Jordan You won’t be dozing off in this one. The climax of Doctor Sleep really confused me because it takes place at the Overlook hotel (this is shown in the trailer). For the record, I have managed to watch Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of The Shining exactly...

Terminator: Dark Fate

By: Kevin Jordan Have you seen this bo- …er, girl? Every franchise hits that point where it either has to start over, switch to prequels, or ignore much of what came before it in order to keep audiences coming back for more. The Alien franchise did it with Prometheus,...

Maleficent: Mistress of Evil

By: Kevin Jordan You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. I am almost certain I have used that tagline on previous reviews, but can you blame me for repeating myself? The Princess Bride is a brilliant film with eminently quotable...

The Addams Family (2019)

By: Kevin Jordan Neat. Petite. As usual, my son is providing the meat of the review of new, animated, The Addams Family movie. But this one has a slight twist - his grandma and grandpa are asking the questions. Buckle up folks. Also, he gives lots of SPOILERS, but I...

Gemini Man

By: Kevin Jordan Dude, you got a computer on your face.   Now, this is a story all about how My life got flipped-turned upside down And I’d like to take a minute Just sit right there I’ll tell you how I became the target of a group of elite killers, including a clone...

Joker

By: Kevin Jordan Why so serious? Apparently, there is some controversy surrounding the new film Joker. I had no idea this was happening until I started poking around the Internet for early reviews and first impressions of the movie. Instead, I found several stories...

Abominable

By: Kevin Jordan A snowball’s chance. Abominable left so little impression on me that I forgot I saw it for three days. That is when my son asked me when we were going to do his interview for the movie. Once we starting talking about it, the film came back to me, but...

Ad Astra

By: Kevin Jordan Latin for “Dad is a dick.” Every year, I have the same three movie wishes. One, that there is one really good movie that comes out of nowhere. Two, that there is one good science fiction film. Not fluffy sci-fi like Star Wars (though I do want more...

Don’t Let Go

By: Kevin Jordan Or, you DIE, DIe, Die, die… I went into Don’t Let Go knowing nothing more than the title, a very brief plot summary on IMDb – “After a man's family dies in what appears to be a murder, he gets a phone call from one of the dead, his niece. He's not...

The Angry Birds Movie 2

By: Kevin Jordan You recognize this film by the way it hits your windshield. A hallmark of a good PG movie is an ability to appeal to both kids and adults. Smart writing and mature jokes for the adults; smart writing, bright colors, and silliness for the kids. Pixar...

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

By: Kevin Jordan A creepy throwback. I wonder what kind of childhood Guillermo del Toro had? The creatures that he comes up with for his movies and television shows suggest his childhood was…not good? Haunted? Disturbed? When I found out he was involved with the...

The Kitchen

By: Kevin Jordan A woman’s place. The Kitchen might be one of my favorite cases for guessing what the movie is about when you only know the title. The Kitchen could be a spinoff of Downton Abbey. It could be a Bobby Flay documentary. It could be a horror film in which...

Dora and the Lost City of Gold

By: Kevin Jordan Gravity exists. I remember my son watching the Nickelodeon cartoon Dora the Explorer and that show got old quickly. I may or may not have wanted to close my head in the freezer after the thousandth time I heard “Swiper! No swiping!” Thankfully, he has...

Stuber

By: Kevin Jordan Didn’t see that one coming. Trailers always elicit an immediate reaction from the viewer in the form of whether or not the viewer will go see the movie. For a trailer for a movie like Stuber, most people will probably think “well, not gonna go see...

Spider-Man: Far From Home

By: Kevin Jordan I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. The battle against movie piracy has officially gone too far. Typically at advanced screenings, we are asked by security folks to silence or turn off our phones and not get them out during the movie. You...

Men in Black: International

By: Kevin Jordan M is for mole. For my wife, time travel in a movie kills that movie for her. I get it - time travel solves any problem, undoes any death or event, and, of course, comes with that pesky paradox (if you change the past, you erase the reason for going...

Avengers: Endgame

By: Kevin Jordan At long last. We can finally all breathe. After twenty-two movies, we can finally turn our attention to other films and budding franchises that have been overshadowed by the Marvel behemoth. If you look over there, the DC Extended Universe is still...

Aladdin (2019)

By: Kevin Jordan A problem with your REMAKE!! As Disney continues to chew through live-action remakes of animated classics with Aladdin as the latest, all I can think is when will it end? The recently released Dumbo came and went with little notice, got panned by more...

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum

By: Kevin Jordan Difficulty: Evil. Cheat mode: Enabled. I like how cocky the John Wick franchise has become. The first film’s title was simply John Wick. No fanfare. Just a dude’s name. John Wick grossed $88 million on a $20 million budget, coupled with an...

Pokemon: Detective Pikachu

By: Kevin Jordan Go or something-or-other. I know next to nothing about Pokemon. I know it is a card game where the cards feature different creatures, which I assume are called Pokemons. I am not going to Google this, but feel free to email Goat with your complaints...

UglyDolls

By: Kevin Jordan Fugley. What movie did we see last night? UglyDolls. Why was it called UglyDolls? Cuz Fuglers are ugly. What is a Fugler? Funny. Ugly. Cute. And how do you know about fuglers? BECAUSE I’VE SEEN THEM!!! They’re basically stuffed animals. Do fugler toys...

Hellboy (2019)

By: Kevin Jordan Somebody crack a window. Did you know there was a remake of Hellboy coming out this year? Did you even know there was an original Hellboy released back in 2004 and a sequel released in 2008? Do you think I am making up a movie that is actually titled...

The Curse of La Llorona

By: Kevin Jordan Do you know where your children are? As parents, we tell our kids all kinds of lies to get them to behave. Right now, you are thinking of Santa Claus. Jolly old St. Nick is mostly a harmless lie, unless you subscribe to evil versions of Santa like...

Shazam!

By: Kevin Jordan Tag. You’re it! If ever a movie was being given a massive pass for not being the next putrid entry in the DC Extended Universe (DCEU), Shazam! is it. Currently, it sits at 93% positive critics ratings on Rotten Tomatoes, which ties it for best in the...

Storm Boy

By: Kevin Jordan No, seriously. When I read the title Storm Boy, all I can hear in my head is Phoebe from Friends, saying “Flame Boy” and it makes it really hard to take Storm Boy seriously.  And it should be taken seriously.  It’s about a boy and his pelican. ...

The Aftermath

By: Kevin Jordan Of everything. Prior to screening The Aftermath, I was looking for a quick synopsis of the film because I knew nothing about it.  The first thing that popped up in the Google search was a review for The Aftermath subtitled “The Aftermath is the...

Us

By: Kevin Jordan My lips are mostly sealed. I often struggle in these reviews with how much to reveal when discussing a movie.  Okay, I sometimes struggle.  On one hand, nobody likes spoilers.  Even for movies that are obvious and preordained crap, people want to be...

Wonder Park

By: Kevin Jordan Only the best rides make you puke. Based on the previews, I was expecting Wonder Park to be much worse than it ended up being.  I am probably cutting it some slack due to my man/nerd crush on John Oliver, but it exceeded my expectations.  More...