Movie Reviews

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The Predator

By: Kevin Jordan Flipping stupid. Eight years ago, I was only a fledgling movie critic.  At that time, I did not have press credentials, I was not part of the Denver Film Critic Society, and I was mostly writing as part of a podcast I co-hosted about reality TV shows...

The Nun

By: Kevin Jordan Holy shit. (Their words, but who am I to argue?). My first grade teacher was Sister Julianna.  No last name - she was married to God and God does not have a last name.  Like Prince.  Which is kind of ironic when you think about how weird some...

Kin

By: Kevin Jordan I cannot explain myself. Do you know what the best Labor Day weekend box office (U.S. only) result is for any movie since 1982?  Take a guess.  Lower.  No, lower.  $30.5 million.  Now, try to guess what movie earned that number.*  You know what -...

Operation Finale

By: Kevin Jordan It is a good thing I like history. Operation Finale is the story of how a team of Israeli Mossad agents captured Adolf Eichmann, one of the top Nazi SS officers and main organizers of the Holocaust.  Eichmann was discovered living in Argentina under a...

Mile 22

By: Kevin Jordan Just brutal. As I have been thinking about what to say about Mile 22, I spent some time perusing other reviews to see what other critics have been saying.  Of note, the early-review embargo for Mile 22 was not lifted until Thursday, so pickings were...

The Meg

By: Kevin Jordan I’m meltiiiiinnnnngggg. Am I a bad parent for taking my six year-old to see The Meg?  Maybe.  In my defense, he really, REALLY wanted to see it.  I am not saying it is a good defense, just a defense that is slightly more effective than that of the...

Christopher Robin

By: Kevin Jordan Rufio-o-o-o-o! If I saw a kid carrying a bunch of stuffed animals and those stuffed animals were talking, I might raise an eyebrow as I walked by.  It is 2018 - a talking toy of any sort is commonplace.  However, if it were 1948, I might follow the...

The Equalizer 2

By: Kevin Jordan Discount Batman. After having just watch the MLB All-Star game, my mind was focused on trivial facts.  Baseball is full of them.  One running joke in my house is whenever my wife overhears a baseball announcer rambling about some statistic, she will...

Skyscraper

By: Kevin Jordan It wasn’t me.  It was the one-legged man. “It is good to see the Chinese are embracing the shittiest aspects of American cinema, just like us Americans.” – Me, minutes after the conclusion of Skyscraper. Before you start furiously typing a comment...

Ant-Man and the Wasp

By: Kevin Jordan Back to the future. With the box office disappointment of Solo: A Star Wars Story, Disney executives are freaking out.  Star Wars has reliably been a billion-dollar-per-movie enterprise since Disney purchased Lucasfilm, and anything less is the...

Sicario: Day of the Soldado

By: Kevin Jordan Whistling at dogs. Note to readers: I have tried to keep politics out of my movie reviews, but when viewing Sicario: Day of the Soldado, the film’s politics are impossible to ignore given recent events.  Thus, it is impossible not to write about...

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

By: Kevin Jordan How to train your dinosaur (or, A steaming pile). “I am never mad at the end of movies.  All I wanted from this movie was to be entertained and it could not even do that.  And, I liked A Wrinkle in Time.  Well, at least until I started thinking about...

American Animals

By: Kevin Jordan Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? When I was a kid, my parents watched America’s Most Wanted with John Walsh.  Episodes featured cheap reenactments of crimes committed by featured suspects to give the audience something to watch besides Mr. Walsh...

Solo: A Star Wars Story

By: Kevin Jordan Sorry, were you hoping to learn something interesting about Han Solo? Benign.  Rote.  By-the-book.  Fine.  Adequate.  Entertaining enough.  All are applicable adjectives to the latest Star Wars movie, Solo: A Star Wars Story.  Hell, “A Star Wars...

Avengers: Infinity War

By: Kevin Jordan Winter is here. Ten years people.  We have been waiting ten years for Avengers: Infinity War and it is finally here.  Eighteen movies and three television series later and it is finally here.  Okay, so not many people watch all three TV series. I...

Rampage

By: Kevin Jordan Keep it simple, stupid. If you were to make a list of video games you would most like to see adapted into movies, I am guessing that list would include exactly zero classic arcade games.  I have never expressed a desire to see a Galaga or Centipede...

Ready Player One

By: Kevin Jordan Whew! If you are not a fan of CGI and think that CGI is ruining film, Ready Player One might kill you.  At the very least, it will give you an aneurism or a stroke.  Possibly both.  If so, you deserve it.  I am not quite ready to devote my year-end...

Pacific Rim: Uprising

By: Kevin Jordan I’ve seen worse. Coming out of Pacific Rim: Uprising, there were plenty of moviegoers that enjoyed the film and that is cool.  There is plenty of room in our lives for big, loud, popcorn flicks like Pacific Rim: Uprising.  I, myself, enjoyed the hell...

Tomb Raider

By: Kevin Jordan We might finally have a winner. Growing up playing video games, my generation has been waiting year after year for a good movie adaptation of a video game.  Hell, we would settle for just average at this point.  The genre kicked off back in 1993 with...

A Wrinkle in Time

By: Kevin Jordan And several in my brow. Recently, I have watched a couple of classic movies with my five-year old son - Jaws and the original Godzilla (the black and white Japanese version from 1954).  He loved them and has now watched them multiple times.  And, in...

Annihilation

By: Kevin Jordan Is something burning? One of the best signs that you have just seen a worthwhile movie is you want to see it again.  It doesn’t matter if you aren’t sure whether you liked it or disliked it because bad movies almost never illicit yearning for a second...

Game Night

By: Kevin Jordan Can I play? Have you ever wanted to participate in one of those murder mystery nights with a group of people?  Yeah, me neither.  I tried it one time years ago and it was one of the most awkward memories I have.  In order for it to be even remotely...

Early Man

By: Kevin Jordan Soccer?  Really? Of all the animated films I’ve taken my son to see, Early Man is easily the weakest.  Of course, that doesn’t matter to my five-year old, so the only thing I will say about this film is if it inspires my son to want to play soccer...

Black Panther

By: Kevin Jordan You almost had it. For the first 114 minutes of its 134-minute running time, Black Panther is a really good movie.  Those 114 minutes are exactly what we’ve come to expect from a Marvel Studios movie - fun, witty, and visually excellent, with...

Maze Runner: The Death Cure

By: Kevin Jordan Running in circles. With The Hunger Games series concluding more than two years ago and the Divergent series crashing and burning with its third film, the so-called Young Adult genre has all but died in the film world.  That is not to say studios...

Den of Thieves

By: Kevin Jordan I did not see that coming. Raise your hand if you get super excited when you first hear about a new Gerard Butler movie.  Anyone?  No?  Okay, raise your hand if you loved 300 and forgave Butler for doing bad rom-coms like The Ugly Truth and The Bounty...

The Commuter

By: Kevin Jordan Like Murder on the Orient Express, but not. Happy 2018 everybody.  As we welcome in 2018, I’m hoping to spend a lot of executive time in my shithole.  If you were wishing for 2018 to be a fresh start, keep on wishing everybody.  On behalf of all...

My Year in Movies – 2017 Edition

By: Kevin Jordan Something smells rotten. Is it just me or does 2017 feel like it has lasted about a hundred years?  Between hurricanes, forest fires, racists, sexual harassers, gun massacres, and the systematic destruction of reason, decency, and ethical governing by...

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

By: Kevin Jordan A trophy for trying. I’m not sure there was any movie in 2017 for which I had lower expectations than Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle.  Well, maybe Justice League.  And Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.  And Transformers: The Last Knight. ...

Darkest Hour

By: Kevin Jordan Churchill would like his soul back. (It's award consideration season and I'm playing catch-up.  As I tear through them, I thought I'd try mini-reviews.  Enjoy!) Darkest Hour is best described as the deleted scenes from Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk. ...