Movie Reviews

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The Commuter

By: Kevin Jordan Like Murder on the Orient Express, but not. Happy 2018 everybody.  As we welcome in 2018, I’m hoping to spend a lot of executive time in my shithole.  If you were wishing for 2018 to be a fresh start, keep on wishing everybody.  On behalf of all...

My Year in Movies – 2017 Edition

By: Kevin Jordan Something smells rotten. Is it just me or does 2017 feel like it has lasted about a hundred years?  Between hurricanes, forest fires, racists, sexual harassers, gun massacres, and the systematic destruction of reason, decency, and ethical governing by...

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

By: Kevin Jordan A trophy for trying. I’m not sure there was any movie in 2017 for which I had lower expectations than Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle.  Well, maybe Justice League.  And Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.  And Transformers: The Last Knight. ...

Darkest Hour

By: Kevin Jordan Churchill would like his soul back. (It's award consideration season and I'm playing catch-up.  As I tear through them, I thought I'd try mini-reviews.  Enjoy!) Darkest Hour is best described as the deleted scenes from Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk. ...

The Man Who Invented Christmas

By: Kevin Jordan A tale of two stories. (It's award consideration season and I'm playing catch-up.  As I tear through them, I thought I'd try mini-reviews.  Enjoy!) When I was in high school, I was forced to read Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities and Great...

Lady Bird

By: Kevin Jordan Let it go. (It's award consideration season and I'm playing catch-up.  As I tear through them, I thought I'd try mini-reviews.  Enjoy!) For about eight minutes, some hay was made about Lady Bird breaking a record for the most positive consecutive...

I, Tonya

By: Kevin Jordan A little bit. (It's award consideration season and I'm playing catch-up.  As I tear through them, I thought I'd try mini-reviews.  Enjoy!) In 1994, Tonya Harding was the most hated person in America (well, at least until O.J. Simpson went for a drive...

The Disaster Artist

By: Kevin Jordan Art has nothing to do with it. (It's award consideration season and I'm playing catch-up.  As I tear through them, I thought I'd try mini-reviews.  Enjoy!) On my Movie Fixers podcast, we covered a movie called The Room from 2003.  It is easily one of...

Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri

By: Kevin Jordan Whose side are you on? (It's award consideration season and I'm playing catch-up.  As I tear through them, I thought I'd try mini-reviews.  Enjoy!) About seventeen minutes into Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri, Sheriff Willoughby (Woody...

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

By: Kevin Jordan I’m not sure either side should win. As much as I look forward to many movies every year, none of them do I anticipate as much as Star Wars.  Since writing movie reviews does not pay the bills (or anything but movie admissions, for that matter) and...

The Shape of Water

By: Kevin Jordan There is a hole in your shape. (It's award consideration season and I'm playing catch-up.  As I tear through them, I thought I'd try mini-reviews.  Enjoy!) The Shape of Water is another attempt by Guillermo del Toro to convince us he is anything more...

It Comes at Night

By: Kevin Jordan (It's award consideration season and I'm playing catch-up.  As I tear through them, I thought I'd try mini-reviews.  Enjoy!) It didn’t in this movie. Nothing ruins a movie quite like failing to follow through on a promise.  It Comes at Night is a...

A Ghost Story

By: Kevin Jordan Let’s watch some paint dry. (It's award consideration season and I'm playing catch-up.  As I tear through them, I thought I'd try mini-reviews.  Enjoy!) Have you ever wondered what happens when you die?  Of course you have; you are a human person.  A...

The Post

By: Kevin Jordan Déjà vu. I’ve tried to keep politics out of my reviews, with the exception of an occasional swipe or two.  I have very strong opinions, especially in our current situation, but I know that’s not why you come here.  You just want to know how a movie...

Good Time

By: Kevin Jordan Not so much. (It's award consideration season and I'm playing catch-up.  As I tear through them, I thought I'd try mini-reviews.  Enjoy!) I have hang-ups with titles that don’t make sense and Good Time is a textbook example.  Good Time is about two...

Battle of the Sexes

By: Kevin Jordan Double fault. (It's award consideration season and I'm playing catch-up.  As I tear through them, I thought I'd try mini-reviews.  Enjoy!) Don’t you hate it when a movie starts out strong, then withers and dies by the end?  Battle of the Sexes...

Justice League

By: Kevin Jordan Baby steps (or, I see you, Joss Whedon) You know how when President Trump gives a speech that doesn’t contain racism, attacks, lies, or ads for his properties, certain people gush over how good or presidential he suddenly is?  What’s that - too...

Murder on the Orient Express (2017)

By: Kevin Jordan Who wants a moustache ride? It’s time for another edition of “Should You Have Remade That Movie?”  For those new to our game, it’s simple.  We ask a few easy questions and determine how wrong it was to remake a movie.  Tonight’s contestant is Murder...

Thor: Ragnarok

By: Kevin Jordan Party on. Among other things, here’s what I said about Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol 2 - “It felt like two hours of dudes fucking around on a film set for two-plus hours and calling it a movie.”  Thor: Ragnarok is those same dudes throwing an epic...

The Snowman

By: Kevin Jordan The Iceman Cometh.   Oh man, am I proud of that tagline.  I always try to avoid using clunky puns in my taglines, and this movie just begs for something hacky like “This movie leaves everything out in the cold” or “You just got snowed in” or...

The Foreigner

By: Kevin Jordan Jackie Chan for the win. Of all the actors you’ve seen in a film or television, can you name one that appears to love their job more than Chan?  You know when you hear he’s in a new movie, you are in.  You don’t even need to know the title; just when...

American Made

By: Kevin Jordan This actually happened. If the only thing you think of when you hear the word contra is up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-b-a-b-a-select-start, you’re not alone.  Even with as much history as I consume, I still haven’t jumped into the events of...

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

By: Kevin Jordan It sucked, but not because it’s a sequel. Just before the movie It released and shattered box office records, a bunch of Chicken Littles wrote a bunch of articles bemoaning the poor summer box office returns, reheating a classic groupthink explanation...

American Assassin

By: Kevin Jordan Mmmmm. Ears. Long live the 80’s.  When the climax of American Assassin completed, I immediately knew I would be writing a review in Ruthless Review’s 80’s Action Movie format.  American Assassin checks off all the boxes and even reminds us of other...

It

By: Kevin Jordan Less is more. In one of the weirder quirks of movie scheduling, two Stephen King adaptations released within a month of each other.  The first - The Dark Tower - was a bit of a disappointment financially and a major flop among critics.  Personally, I...

The Only Living Boy in New York

By: Kevin Jordan Pretentious is as pretentious does. It is not a good sign for a movie when one of the first things the audience hears is how New York just isn’t New York any more.  I’m not sure if New Yorkers know this, but the vast majority of people in this country...

Wind River

By: Kevin Jordan The Great White Hunter The last shot of the movie Wind River has a title card stating that no data is kept tracking the number of missing Native American girls.  This is a strange way to end a movie that isn’t about missing girls, but is about solving...

The Dark Tower

By: Kevin Jordan Adapt at your own risk. Let’s just get this out of the way right now.  If you are a fan of Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series, at the very least, you are probably going to be disappointed in the movie The Dark Tower.  At the very most, you’re going...

Atomic Blonde

By: Kevin Jordan Confusion and breasts. It’s not often that I’m completely confused by my feelings for a movie, but Atomic Blonde is one of those instances.  My immediate reaction at the end of the movie was “I think I liked it?  Maybe?”  It definitely had elements I...

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

By: Kevin Jordan Oh, dear god. Imagine if Jupiter Ascending and John Carter had a baby.  Then, imagine if they used that baby as the ball in a game of kickball.  Finally, imagine the two star players of the game had all the chemistry, charisma, and playing skills of...