Movie Reviews

CopyCopyvCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopyCopy

 

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum

By: Kevin Jordan Difficulty: Evil. Cheat mode: Enabled. I like how cocky the John Wick franchise has become. The first film’s title was simply John Wick. No fanfare. Just a dude’s name. John Wick grossed $88 million on a $20 million budget, coupled with an...

Pokemon: Detective Pikachu

By: Kevin Jordan Go or something-or-other. I know next to nothing about Pokemon. I know it is a card game where the cards feature different creatures, which I assume are called Pokemons. I am not going to Google this, but feel free to email Goat with your complaints...

UglyDolls

By: Kevin Jordan Fugley. What movie did we see last night? UglyDolls. Why was it called UglyDolls? Cuz Fuglers are ugly. What is a Fugler? Funny. Ugly. Cute. And how do you know about fuglers? BECAUSE I’VE SEEN THEM!!! They’re basically stuffed animals. Do fugler toys...

Hellboy (2019)

By: Kevin Jordan Somebody crack a window. Did you know there was a remake of Hellboy coming out this year? Did you even know there was an original Hellboy released back in 2004 and a sequel released in 2008? Do you think I am making up a movie that is actually titled...

The Curse of La Llorona

By: Kevin Jordan Do you know where your children are? As parents, we tell our kids all kinds of lies to get them to behave. Right now, you are thinking of Santa Claus. Jolly old St. Nick is mostly a harmless lie, unless you subscribe to evil versions of Santa like...

Shazam!

By: Kevin Jordan Tag. You’re it! If ever a movie was being given a massive pass for not being the next putrid entry in the DC Extended Universe (DCEU), Shazam! is it. Currently, it sits at 93% positive critics ratings on Rotten Tomatoes, which ties it for best in the...

Storm Boy

By: Kevin Jordan No, seriously. When I read the title Storm Boy, all I can hear in my head is Phoebe from Friends, saying “Flame Boy” and it makes it really hard to take Storm Boy seriously.  And it should be taken seriously.  It’s about a boy and his pelican. ...

The Aftermath

By: Kevin Jordan Of everything. Prior to screening The Aftermath, I was looking for a quick synopsis of the film because I knew nothing about it.  The first thing that popped up in the Google search was a review for The Aftermath subtitled “The Aftermath is the...

Us

By: Kevin Jordan My lips are mostly sealed. I often struggle in these reviews with how much to reveal when discussing a movie.  Okay, I sometimes struggle.  On one hand, nobody likes spoilers.  Even for movies that are obvious and preordained crap, people want to be...

Wonder Park

By: Kevin Jordan Only the best rides make you puke. Based on the previews, I was expecting Wonder Park to be much worse than it ended up being.  I am probably cutting it some slack due to my man/nerd crush on John Oliver, but it exceeded my expectations.  More...

Captain Marvel

By: Kevin Jordan Settle down, all you geeks. With the release of Avengers: Endgame rapidly approaching (just six short (LONG!!) weeks away), movie theaters are preparing for the ultimate nerd-gasm.  You might think they are prepared for this after the first Avengers...

Greta

By: Kevin Jordan Decidedly not for kids. If it seems like I have only been reviewing kid movies lately, I feel your pain.  This time of year has been unusually quiet for me in the movie department, partly due to personal travel and partly due to a dearth of movies...

How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World

By: Kevin Jordan There be dragons. Apparently, everyone read my rules of theater etiquette prior to the screening of How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World because everyone was on their best behavior.  Thus, no complaints and we’ll get straight to a six-year old’s...

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part

By: Kevin Jordan A PSA or Parental Service Announcement. Before we get to my son’s insights on The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part, we need to review proper theater etiquette.  I am a huge Lego nerd and my enjoyment of the film was significantly diminished by people who...

The Kid Who Would be King

By: Kevin Jordan Another legend in the toilet. Walking out of The Kid Who Would be King, I was mentally justifying it:  my kid loved it (his exact words), and it is a movie for kids, so that’s all that matters…right?  But parents have to sit through these movies too,...

Glass

BY: Kevin Jordan Insert broken pun here. One of the biggest mysteries in Hollywood is how M. Night Shyamalan still has an active directing and writing career.  My friend and I pondered this question on our way to a screening of Shyamalan’s latest film, Glass.  After...

My Year in Movies – 2018 Edition

By: Kevin Jordan Resistance is futile. Is it just me or does 2018 feel like it has lasted about a hundred years?  Between hurricanes, forest fires, racists, sexual harassers, gun massacres, and the systematic destruction of reason, decency, and ethical governing by...

Welcome to Marwen

By: Kevin Jordan Why, thank you. There is such a thing as too much political correctness, but chances are high you have not actually experienced that situation.  The general rule of thumb is if someone is complaining about political correctness, that person is really...

Bumblebee

By: Kevin Jordan Are we sure this is a Transformers movie? As Bumblebee unfolded before our eyes, I had to keep asking myself if my son and I were really watching a Transformers movie.  There were no racist versions of transformers.  The movie was not exploding every...

Aquaman

By: Kevin Jordan Spoon-feeding with a comically oversized ladle. I did not think Warner Brothers and DC Films could make a worse movie than Green Lantern, but Aquaman is that movie.  The point at which Aquaman stepped on my last shred of hope was when the octopus...

Widows

By: Kevin Jordan I swear this movie could have been better. I could swear director Steve McQueen has a longer filmography.  I could swear that he has done a whole slew of movies similar to Widows.  If we are counting the more than twenty short films he has directed,...

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

By: Kevin Jordan The best animated feature of the year? I was not planning on going to see Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse.  I assumed it was going to be a throw-away film aimed specifically at comic book nerds to make an easy buck.  Then, my wife asked if I was...

Free Solo

By: Kevin Jordan Do not try this at home.  Or ANYWHERE! Free Solo sounds like the sequel to this year’s Solo: A Star Wars Story; the harrowing tale of a band of ragtag rebels trying to free Han Solo from his service to Jabba the Hutt.  In truth, Free Solo is nearly...

Science Fair

By: Kevin Jordan You gotta love the idealism. In an effort to watch more documentaries this year than the zero I watched last year, Science Fair is the second I have watched (the first being the excellent Won’t You Be My Neighbor) so far.  I was very interested in...

Won’t You Be My Neighbor

By: Kevin Jordan It’s such a good feeling.  A feeling you know. Fred Rogers believed that most television programming in the 1960s - especially the content aimed at children - was loud and distracting drivel.  It was entertainment at the expense of others - pies in...

Suspiria (2018)

What year is it? (Award season consideration has returned, so my mini-reviews are back as well.  Enjoy as I rapid-fire them at you through the end of the year.) I am not quite sure what to make of Suspiria.  On one hand, I found myself nodding off multiple times...

First Reformed

By: Kevin Jordan The Thanksgiving conversation of the ages. (Award season consideration has returned, so my mini-reviews are back as well.  Enjoy as I rapid-fire them at you through the end of the year.) First Reformed is an ambitious film that attempts to take on...

Robin Hood (2018)

By: Kevin Jordan A steaming wad of everything. In what was one of the weirdest screening experiences of my movie-writing career, I saw the eighty-fourth (approximately) incarnation of Robin Hood, inspiringly titled Robin Hood.  The good news is this latest version can...

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

By: Kevin Jordan Not your kids’ Wizarding World. Remember way back in 2001 when a young Daniel Radcliffe charmed us all in a kid’s film based on a children’s book?  We thought the first Harry Potter film was a good family affair, even if it did contain snakes, child...

The Nutcracker and the Four Realms

By: Kevin Jordan Ohhhhhh, dear. A couple of weeks ago, I spent the better part of eight days wandering around the various parks of Disney World.  The average temperature there this time of year is low-to-mid 80s, but we were lucky enough to experience low-to-mid 90s...