Movie Reviews

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Justice League

By: Kevin Jordan Baby steps (or, I see you, Joss Whedon) You know how when President Trump gives a speech that doesn’t contain racism, attacks, lies, or ads for his properties, certain people gush over how good or presidential he suddenly is?  What’s that - too...

Murder on the Orient Express (2017)

By: Kevin Jordan Who wants a moustache ride? It’s time for another edition of “Should You Have Remade That Movie?”  For those new to our game, it’s simple.  We ask a few easy questions and determine how wrong it was to remake a movie.  Tonight’s contestant is Murder...

Thor: Ragnarok

By: Kevin Jordan Party on. Among other things, here’s what I said about Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol 2 - “It felt like two hours of dudes fucking around on a film set for two-plus hours and calling it a movie.”  Thor: Ragnarok is those same dudes throwing an epic...

The Snowman

By: Kevin Jordan The Iceman Cometh.   Oh man, am I proud of that tagline.  I always try to avoid using clunky puns in my taglines, and this movie just begs for something hacky like “This movie leaves everything out in the cold” or “You just got snowed in” or...

The Foreigner

By: Kevin Jordan Jackie Chan for the win. Of all the actors you’ve seen in a film or television, can you name one that appears to love their job more than Chan?  You know when you hear he’s in a new movie, you are in.  You don’t even need to know the title; just when...

American Made

By: Kevin Jordan This actually happened. If the only thing you think of when you hear the word contra is up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-b-a-b-a-select-start, you’re not alone.  Even with as much history as I consume, I still haven’t jumped into the events of...

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

By: Kevin Jordan It sucked, but not because it’s a sequel. Just before the movie It released and shattered box office records, a bunch of Chicken Littles wrote a bunch of articles bemoaning the poor summer box office returns, reheating a classic groupthink explanation...

American Assassin

By: Kevin Jordan Mmmmm. Ears. Long live the 80’s.  When the climax of American Assassin completed, I immediately knew I would be writing a review in Ruthless Review’s 80’s Action Movie format.  American Assassin checks off all the boxes and even reminds us of other...

It

By: Kevin Jordan Less is more. In one of the weirder quirks of movie scheduling, two Stephen King adaptations released within a month of each other.  The first - The Dark Tower - was a bit of a disappointment financially and a major flop among critics.  Personally, I...

The Only Living Boy in New York

By: Kevin Jordan Pretentious is as pretentious does. It is not a good sign for a movie when one of the first things the audience hears is how New York just isn’t New York any more.  I’m not sure if New Yorkers know this, but the vast majority of people in this country...

Wind River

By: Kevin Jordan The Great White Hunter The last shot of the movie Wind River has a title card stating that no data is kept tracking the number of missing Native American girls.  This is a strange way to end a movie that isn’t about missing girls, but is about solving...

The Dark Tower

By: Kevin Jordan Adapt at your own risk. Let’s just get this out of the way right now.  If you are a fan of Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series, at the very least, you are probably going to be disappointed in the movie The Dark Tower.  At the very most, you’re going...

Atomic Blonde

By: Kevin Jordan Confusion and breasts. It’s not often that I’m completely confused by my feelings for a movie, but Atomic Blonde is one of those instances.  My immediate reaction at the end of the movie was “I think I liked it?  Maybe?”  It definitely had elements I...

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

By: Kevin Jordan Oh, dear god. Imagine if Jupiter Ascending and John Carter had a baby.  Then, imagine if they used that baby as the ball in a game of kickball.  Finally, imagine the two star players of the game had all the chemistry, charisma, and playing skills of...

Dunkirk

By: Kevin Jordan The war-iest of war movies. We’ve all seen what Christopher Nolan is capable of and it’s almost always been fantastic.  We’re at a point now where “Directed by Christopher Nolan” is all that needs to be said to peak interest in a new movie.  In other...

Wish Upon

By: Kevin Jordan Kind of some obvious wishes did not get made. Sometimes, you have to be in the right mood to enjoy a movie, especially a bad one.  Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been listening to a podcast called My Dad Wrote a Porno and it is arguably the...

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2

Well, it had to end sometime.  Marvel was on amazing streak of great movie after great movie, but nothing goes on forever.  Kind of like United States’ good standing in the world, but that’s a discussion for another time.  Back in 2014, we all wondered how a movie...

Logan

By: Kevin Jordan Bloody hyperbole. As I’ve said on multiple occasions, you probably aren’t going to find more of a Wolverine homer than yours truly.  I inexplicably told you to see X-Men Origins: Wolverine twice and gushed about The Wolverine without mentioning how...

The Great Wall

By: Kevin Jordan Resetting expectations. I’m not sure how, but I managed to avoid trailers for The Great Wall until the night before the screening.  I wasn’t even trying to avoid them, I just hadn’t seen any for this particular movie.  Prior to seeing that trailer, I...

Fist Fight

By: Kevin Jordan I ignored the red flags. I wish someone had punched me in the face when I decided to watch this movie.  Even before I said it out loud, just thinking that thought should have caused someone to run through my door and cold-cock me.  I knew – KNEW –...

John Wick: Chapter 2

By: Kevin Jordan Murder, death, kill. It’s been two and a half years since John Wick murdered scores of people over a dead dog and stolen car and I still don’t understand how that movie scored an 85% critic rating on Rotten Tomatoes.  It was easily one of the worst...

The Lego Batman Movie

By: Kevin Jordan (and Nick) Bam! Pow! Pew Pew! Here’s the truth – I wanted to see The Lego Batman Movie as much as my 4-year old son.  We’ve been slowly building a Lego city in our basement over the past year and I love watching his little imagination work.  I also...