By: Kevin Jordan

Does farting really make someone bad?

It took me a while to put my finger on it, but I finally realized why The Bad Guys failed to resonate with me. The opening of the film shows a wolf and a snake having breakfast at a diner. Everyone else in the diner is a human and they are all cowering in fear at the two animals. It’s odd because they are just sitting there minding their own business and don’t seem to be threatening anyone. The real problem is they, along with the other three members of their crew, the mayor (a fox), and a philanthropist (a guinea pig) are the only walking, talking animal characters in the film. The rest are all humans. So, if these guys are so bad – and the police captain is obsessed with capturing them – why are they able to sit and have a meal with nobody calling the cops?

The point is this movie did not lean into why the animals were bad beyond them being stereotypical, scary animals and didn’t give any kind of hint as to why those seven were the only talking animals in the movie beyond them being the main characters. While I dwell on that some more, here’s what my son had to say about the film.

You start us off. What movie are we talking about?

The Bad Guys.

What is The Bad Guys about?

A group of animals and they are very good criminals.

Oh, what kind of crimes do they commit?

Like, heists and robberies.

So who are the bad guys?

So there’s a wolf. There’s shark, a tarantula, a piranha, and a snake.

And what are their names?

…Wolf. Shark. Webz. Snake. And Piranha. That’s their names.

Why do you think only one of those animals have a name that isn’t what kind of animal they are?

[shrugs] iunnnhhnhn.

Alright, if you were going to name them, what would you name the wolf, and why?

…um, I would name the wolf The Big Bad Wolf.

Try again.

What?!

He should have a name. Like, the spider is named Webz, right? Is it because she’s a spider, but also because she uses the computer to hack stuff?

Oh, like web…page…? Website. [giggles]

Yeah, so think about the wolf. And what name he should have. That describes his job with the crew.

He is like the leader…and…uhhh, like…the smart one. Brains!

Ok!

No, Big Brain! Oh my gosh!

Big Bad Brain?

Big Bad Brain!

I like it.

Okay and the snake…Sneaky Slither Snake.

Ok. Why would you call him the Sneaky Slither?

Because he’s sneaky?

How? How is he sneaky? Can he fit through stuff?

And fit stuff IN him.

IN him? What does he fit in him?

Like alarm clocks. And guinea pigs.

What about the shark? What’s his job?

The Disguiser. I’m gonna call him…is it a her?

No, he’s a guy.

I’m gonna call him Bad Actor.

I like it! Why?

Because he’s a shark.

Does he fool anyone with his disguises?

Yeah, because it’s a movie.

The last one is piranha. What do you call him?

Stinky Stench.

Why?

Because he’s the one who farts and it can knock people out.

So are they really good at heists, or really bad?

Well, they’re really good…but they also get caught? But they also get away. There’s this thing called the Golden Dolphin, and they steal that, but they also have to steal this big meteorite that looks like a butt.

I bet the piranha wanted to steal that the most.

Yeah, because it looks like a butt.

Is there someone who wants to stop them?

Yeah, the chief. And the guinea pig. Who was it?…yeah the governor who’s a fox…and the guinea pig, he’s the…I forget. Isn’t he the mayor?

No. he’s the guy getting the award for doing good things.

Oh, he has nothing to do with anything, right?

On a scale of not funny at all to Mike Birbiglia, how funny would you say the movie is?

Well is it like one to ten? You just said a scale…

Yeah, one to Mike Birbiglia.

And Mike Birbiglia is at the top…I’d say it’s a seven…or a six.

Do you think it’s funny for parents and kids?

Most just for kids.

What was your favorite part of the movie?

[giggles] butt rock [giggles more]

What was your least favorite part of the movie?

When they break up. When the bad guys break up. That was not cool.

Why was that not cool?

Because they’re the whole movie. It’s all of them.

If you could change one thing about the movie, what would you change?

Ehhhh…[squeaky noise] the…the…I dunno.

Pick something.

[groan]

Like what could they have done better?

With them not argue with each other about trying to go good or being bad.

Who is your favorite character in the movie?

[giggles] I’d say the guinea pig.

And why?

Because he’s a guinea pig. I like rodents.

If you were going to be on a team to pull a heist, which character would you like to be? The disguise guy, the leader, the tech guy, the sneaky guy, or the fart guy.

Oh definitely the fart guy. Piranha. Because you can knock all the police out and just steal it.

On a scale of one to Free Guy

[groans]

How much did you like the movie?

One to ten, Free Guy is at the top. I did like Free Guy. This movie, I’d say an eight.

Rating: How much money would you tell people to ask for back if they paid twenty dollars?

One dollar.

Because?

Because the butt rock should have farted. And then they could have said “well I guess it was a butt rock.”