Inferno

By: Kevin Jordan

The seventh circle of huh?

Inferno poster

I am a big fan of books like Inferno – action/adventure treasure hunts featuring loads of historical references.  James Rollins, Steve Berry, and, of course, Dan Brown are just three of the authors known for these books.  For those of you who missed The Da Vinci Code craze, Inferno is the fourth book in Brown’s Robert Langdon series (The Da Vinci Code is the second in the series) and it has all the elements of the previous installments.  There’s plenty of action and chasing, there are people who aren’t who they seem, there’s symbologist Langdon (Tom Hanks) who must follow a series of clues hidden in religious and historical art to discover the location of something that could end the world, and there’s a girl on Langdon’s hip for much of the adventure.  It’s exactly what everyone wants from Dan Brown.  And, if you don’t scratch the surface of the plot, it’s a very entertaining movie.

(Since I think this movie is worth a viewing – well, almost worth a viewing – you should probably stop reading at this point or skip to the last paragraph because I’m going to scratch the surface.  In other words, SPOILER ALERT for the rest of the review.)

The premise of the film is that a crazy, billionaire, geneticist named Bertrand Zobrist (Ben Foster) believes the human race is in danger of extinction because of overpopulation so he’s going to release a custom-designed virus to kill half of the human race.  Yes, it sounds contradictory, but when he explains it, you’re still confused.  I think he’s trying to say that overpopulation will render the entire planet uninhabitable (and in less than 100 years, no less), so everyone will die, but all he can talk about are previous plagues and a clock measuring the existence of humans (we’re currently at 11:59, he says).  Plus, how does he know the virus won’t just kill everyone rather than the conveniently round number of half?  As a bonus, during a lecture he points out that population growth went from 4 billion in the 1970’s to almost 8 billion in just 40 years, so his plan is…to set humans back to disco?  He wants to kill 4 billion people just to buy the human race 40 years?  I’m not sure you’ve fully thought this one out, Berty.

I love treasure hunts.

I love treasure hunts.

Unfortunately, that’s the easy part of the story.  As the film progresses, the plot turns into a tangle of confusion as the curtains are pulled back on various groups, individuals, motives, and events.  The film begins with Langdon waking up in a hospital in Florence with a slight case of amnesia.  Dr. Sienna Brooks (Felicity Jones) is explaining his situation to him when an Italian Carabinieri (national police) officer starts shooting at them.  That’s right, we’re getting right to the action in this film.  After Robert and Sienna escape, Langdon discovers a cylinder in his pocket containing a special flashlight that projects Botticelli’s depiction of Dante’s map of hell from Dante’s Inferno – aka, the first clue.  Thus begins the hunt where the prize is the virus.  Oh, and the virus is in a special water-soluble bag that will burst at midnight (it’s submerged in water) because every treasure hunt needs a timer and James Bond-ian doomsday device.

I know this means something, I just can't remember what.

I know this means something, I just can’t remember what.

Also chasing after the virus are a team from the World Health Organization (WHO), a guy who wants to sell the virus to the highest bidder, a security group hired by Bertrand to protect the flashlight, and Bertrand’s girlfriend.  The connections between the various groups change as people die and hidden motivations come to light, but by the end it becomes everyone trying to stop the girlfriend from releasing the virus.  At this point, you have all the information needed to form a plot itch you can’t help but scratch.

Question 1: If Bertrand wants to release the virus, why not just release it when it’s ready?  Why the elaborate setup?

Answer: Maybe Bertrand is a big James Bond fan and likes elaborate doomsday devices.  Yeah, let’s go with that.

Question 2: Why would Bertrand leave clues leading to where he hid the virus if it doesn’t require human interaction to be released or for anyone to find it?  Why create the flashlight at all?

Answer: …

Question 3: Bertrand tells his girlfriend that if anything happens to him, he’s made sure that the flashlight will get to her.  Same question as 2.

Answer: Oh no.

Question 4: Bertrand refuses to tell her where he hid the virus (she asks), so why would the flashlight need to get to her if he doesn’t want her to find the virus?

Answer: He secretly hates her?

You see what I’m getting at?  There is no logical reason for Bertrand to have created the flashlight in the first place or the elaborate treasure hunt.  And, let’s assume for the moment that the virus did need human interaction (which defeats the purpose of hiding it at all) – it wouldn’t make sense to create an elaborate treasure hunt to make it difficult for her to find and release the virus.  I’ve spent the last 24 hours trying to conceive of any logical reason, no matter how flimsy, to justify Bertrand creating the flashlight and I can’t do it.  And now my head hurts.

There's always a tomb.

There’s always a tomb.

(Side note: This is the level of plot hole that ruined Signs for me, though I didn’t notice the hole in Signs during the film; my brother brought it up later.)

Like I said, if you don’t look beneath the surface – or first circle, if you will *wink, wink* – the movie is a perfectly fine action flick.  Try not to listen too closely to some of the explanations thrown out there for certain actions.  Do listen closely to Langdon’s historical lectures.  Enjoy another fine Tom Hanks performance.  Smile at Felicity Jones proving she can handle an action role because Star Wars: Rogue One is right around the corner.  Mostly, enjoy the treasure hunt because who doesn’t love a decent treasure hunt, even if it’s existence defies logic?

Rating: Ask for four dollars back and go buy the book.  It has to make more sense than the movie.

Warcraft

By: Kevin Jordan

#Ifyousayso.

The number one danger of adapting source material into a movie is that there are people who already know the source material.  And by people, I mean those who will create voodoo dolls of you if so much as change the color of a lightsaber or dare to cut out <insert minor character’s name here>.  These people come in all shapes and sizes and there are various tiers of obsessiveness among them.  By genre, nobody tops the comic book fans, as evidenced by the ongoing Superman debacle and the death threats delivered to Marvel after it was revealed Captain America was a Hydra agent (I wish I was making that up).  They are closely followed by the sci-fi/fantasy book fans who still haven’t gotten over #whathappenedtoTomBombadil.  When it comes to game adaptations, fans tend to stay quiet because most of those movies tend to be so bad it isn’t worth getting mad over messed up details (though if they ever decide to make a Magic the Gathering movie, we should all run for the hills).  While I do still play video games, the closest I’ve ever come to playing Warcraft is watching this movie.  So, if one of you Warcraft-ers tell me about all the things they changed or left out or screwed up in the movie, my response is “whatever, Nerd” and I’ll go back to playing Civilizations (I never said I wasn’t a nerd, just not a nerd for Warcraft).

(If you are wondering which group I’m in, you’d find me most likely in the crowd scrutinizing book adaptations.  However, I am far more objective than my fellow fans.  I can usually see the reasoning behind certain decisions, but I still get annoyed with adaptations that resemble their source material in title and characters only.  I’m looking at you every Young Adult adaptation outside of The Hunger Games.)

image001 (4)

(Also, SPOILERS.)

I don’t know if there was a clamoring for a Warcraft movie by fans, but the project took ten years to actually make it to the screen.  A friend of mine, who happens to be both a comic-book nerd and Warcraft nerd, assured me that the story in the video game is as paper-thin as most video game stories.  Sadly, the movie does not improve upon this.  It starts out well enough (and here’s where this is going to get nerdy) – the orc home world is dying and their leader, Gul’dan, is going to open a portal to another world so they can conquer that new world.  The new world, Azeroth, is home to the standard Lord of the Rings races – humans, elves, dwarves, and wizards.  To say that Warcraft is a derivative of Lord of the Rings is to say that water is wet.  However, unlike Lord of the Rings, the elves and dwarves play no role in this particular story, so get ready for #whathappenedtowarcraftelvesanddwarves.

Had the movie stuck with the simple concept of humans vs. orcs, we would have been content, but the writers tried to cram a bunch of fantasy uber-nerdery (it’s a word now) on top of it.  It starts off easy enough – Gul’dan (Daniel Wu) has acquired some green magic called Fel, which requires life in order to be used, including beings to power the portal.  As soon as they get to Azeroth, things start dying as the orcs are pillaging villages and capturing prisoners.  Azeroth is guarded by Medivh (Ben Foster), a godlike wizard using blue magic who has been fighting the Fel for a long time.  One orc, Durotan (Toby Kebbell), realizes that the Fel is corrupting his race and destroyed their home planet, so he wants to work with the humans to defeat Gul’dan.  At this point, we’re still on board with the story and it still fits the mold of humans vs. orcs with a typical twist thrown in.  But then, #ihaswritingskilz happens.

There’s evil green magic that eats life and good blue magic that doesn’t eat life.  There are wizards that are trying to stop the orcs and a wizard organization doing nothing but guarding a black cube containing Glenn Close and she is uttering nonsensical, double-talk prophecies.  There are green orcs susceptible to blue magic death spells and orcs not susceptible.  There’s a half-breed orc, Garona (Paula Patton), who is chained up to Gul’dan for reasons never explained, nor is it ever explained how a race on a completely different planet that had never heard of humans managed to have a half-human orc.  Meanwhile, Medivh gets weaker every time he uses magic and a young disavowed wizard, Khadgar (Ben Schnetzer), gets stronger because he went in the black cube.  Throughout the middle of the movie, 90% of things are happening because #fantasy, while the other 10% is actually setting up the ending, which is when the movie really goes off the rails.

I’m sure I’m boring you by now, so here’s the climax in a nutshell (again – SPOILER alert).  Medivh turns into a demon.  Humans fight orcs.  Khadgar and the human general, Lothar (Travis Fimmel) fight a golam.  Lothar flies on a griffon. Durotan’s wife floats her baby down a river like it is Moses, not an orc (you know, the race attacking the planet), begging the question – won’t it be killed on the spot when it is found?  Gul’dan interrupts his own time-sensitive plot to fight Durotan because “the old ways are important.”  Gul’dan is somehow not torn to pieces by the other orcs.  Garona becomes chief orc by stabbing the human king (Dominic Cooper) in the back of the neck after he tells her to (plus, she was just fighting with the king), which seems odd considering how much these orcs tell us they care about honor.  Lothar flies on a griffon.

I realize I’m making it sound very confusing, but even in the context of the movie, none of the climax makes any sense except for the part where humans are fighting orcs.  Everything the movie was establishing during the first half is pissed right out the window when it becomes a hodgepodge of epic battle scene and fantasy mumbo jumbo.  It’s like Dungeons and Dragons crossed with Eragon and don’t pretend you haven’t seen both of those movies.

Because I’m also a fantasy nerd, I was entertained by the movie, despite the trainwreck at the end.  The blend of CGI with live action is seamless (so much so that I‘m not sure the entire movie isn’t 100% CGI and motion capture) and the movie rarely slows down enough to take more than two breaths.  Yes, I would have preferred some desperately needed exposition, but the action and visuals were good enough to keep me from grumbling.

Finally, I gave my friend a brief explanation of the story components because some of the movie felt like it needed source material knowledge to be understood.  I also wanted to know how much changed from that source material.  He says that it’s pretty close to the stories from the original games published in 1994 and 1996 (same game, but different platforms), but he’ll let me know for sure after he sees it.  After all, how could he not see it, he being a Warcraft nerd?  Now, back to my own nerdery – I’ve got two civs left to kill.

Rating: Ask for four dollars back.  #wereallnerds