Central Intelligence

By: Kevin Jordan

Is it?

We all find some comedians funny and others not so much.  Personally, I don’t find comedians funny whose main shtick is yelling/screaming at the audience.  Sam Kinison, Chris Tucker, Gilbert Gottfried, and Kevin Hart are examples of guys who find it necessary to scream their humor at people and if their jokes are actually funny, I wouldn’t know because I’m bleeding from the ears.  So, you can probably guess at my preconceived opinion of Central Intelligence, starring Kevin Hart (and Dwayne Johnson, aka The Rock).

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Judging by the audience’s reaction to the film, we were watching a comedy classic unfold before our eyes.  Listening to comments after the movie, I realized that I’m probably going to be in the minority on this movie – people who did not think it was a particularly good or funny movie.  And that’s okay because sometimes movies, no matter how good or bad, can sometimes just rub a person the wrong way.  In other words, this movie chaffed the hell out of me.  Surprisingly, it had very little to do with Kevin Hart, though he did spend a fair amount of the movie screaming.

I may have liked the movie better had it not started off the way it did.  Flashback to 1996 where Calvin “The Golden Jet” Joyner (Hart) is giving a speech at a senior pep rally.  You read that right and to make it goofier, he’s also a track star, football star, drama star, valedictorian, and other accolades.  Meanwhile, Robbie Weirdick (Johnson in a CGI fat suit and, yes, that’s his character’s actual name at first – he changes it to Bob Stone after that) is showering in the locker room when five kids decide to execute their senior prank – by throwing Robbie into the middle of the gym floor during the pep rally, still naked and wet.  As hilarious as assault and a sex crime sounds, it’s made worse by the reaction that follows.  The pranksters don’t run away after their toss, the entire senior class is laughing uproariously, and the principal just stands there, not reacting at all.  Calvin is the only person horrified at what’s happening and quickly runs over to Robbie and gives him his letter jacket to cover up.  Robbie runs away and the principal turns to Calvin and simply says “no coming back from that one.”  Har, har, har – fuck you.  I was a junior in high school in 1996 and had this happened, I can guarantee that you would have been able to hear a mouse fart in the gym from the dead silence that would have ensued, the pranksters would have been arrested and expelled from school, and more than one person would have gone to the victim’s aid.  Considering the entire point of this scene was to set up Robbie worshipping Calvin for the next twenty years (and establish an anti-bullying theme), there are a hundred different things they could have done to achieve the same goal without stooping to something so unfunny.

That set the tone for me for the rest of the movie.  Back to the present time, Calvin is an accountant disappointed in the way his life turned out, even though he’s married to an extremely hot woman (Danielle Nicolet) and makes plenty of money.  One day at work, he gets a Facebook friend request from Bob Stone and agrees to meet Bob for drinks.  Bob is now actual “The Rock” – CGI not required for the muscles.  They catch up, Bob beats up some dudes for being rude to Calvin and him, then convinces Calvin to use his “international forensic accounting skills” (I wish I was making that up) to hack into a website and decrypt an auction site for Bob.  You see, the real plot of this movie is that Bob is a CIA agent trying to find out who stole all of the encryption keys to the United States’ spy satellites.  Plus, the CIA thinks he killed his former partner, Phil (Aaron Paul), so he’s a rogue agent being pursued by a team led by Agent Harris (Amy Ryan).  That’s the movie and it’s not nearly as smart as its title thinks it is.

To be fair, I was laughing at certain points of the movie because it does have some humor that tickled me.  Most of that comes from Johnson, who is definitely getting better as his filmography grows, and there is some slap-sticky humor that hits its mark.  The problem is that Johnson’s character sucks.  While having drinks with Calvin, he essentially explains that he completely changed his life after the senior prank.  Except, Bob still behaves like a 14-year old dork except when he’s fighting.  He’s constantly referring to Calvin as The Jet, wears a fanny pack that holds one single flash grenade, wears unicorn shirts, and can’t stop talking about wanting to be Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles.  I spent most of the movie waiting for him to snap into the tough guy he was supposed to have become, but it never happens.  Why not just have him revert back when they confront one of the bullies from high school or snap out of dork mode once he reveals that he is an agent?  The tone of the character completely ruined the movie for me, but, again, much of the audience either liked it or didn’t care.

My other issue with the comedy is with the some of the racial jokes.  I find the humor, irony, and point in what Kevin Rock (and comics like Chris Rock) discuss in their routines, but that kind of joke in this kind of movie loses its punch when the punchline is just “because I’m black,” especially because race isn’t one of the themes of this film.  This happens several times throughout the movie – Bob will say something like “you want to wear a fanny pack too?” and Calvin will respond with “because I’m black.”  How is that funny?  The joke is that a giant man like Dwayne Johnson is wearing a fanny pack and likes Sixteen Candles (though this would have worked far better if he was playing a tough guy instead of acting like a complete nerd), not that a black man is wearing a fanny pack.

The biggest problem with this movie is that it never decides what it’s trying to do.  It should have been a buddy-cop, action movie with comedic relief, but comes off like a comedy with action relief.  Muddying the water is the anti-bullying social message that is so poorly executed, Michelle Obama will probably punch them for it.  The three writers handle the message with all the care of a toddler wielding hammers in a glass store.  In its entirety: high school bullies commit serious crime and principal does nothing, newly reformed bullying victim beats the crap out of men in bar for being rude over a chair, original high school bully bullies newly reformed victim again (when they go to him for help), victim punches original high school bully in the face at high school reunion.  So, the message is fight bullies with violence and bullying?  I guess that kind of laziness makes sense, considering the “because I’m black” jokes.

As I reread everything I just wrote, it occurs to me that that was a pretty negative review.  When I left the theater and heard all of the positive responses, I thought maybe I was missing something and thinking on the movie for a couple of days would help me see what they saw.  Nope.  As it turns out, my biggest problem was that the tone of the film was all wrong for me and dampened down a lot of the entertainment value of the comedy and action.  But, if I learned anything from the film it’s that I can make it through a Kevin Hart movie without wanting to scream back at him.

Rating: I’d ask for nine dollars back, but maybe the movie will rub you the right way.

Goosebumps

By: Kevin Jordan

No more than what I would ask for.

goosebumps

As the third movie in a single of week of screenings, I picked Goosebumps for one reason – I wanted to turn my brain off for an hour and a half and watch a movie for the pure pleasure of escaping into a fantasy world aimed at children.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m plenty entertained by movies that aren’t made for the under-thirteen crowd, but after screening Bridge of Spies and Crimson Peak earlier this week, I needed something that wouldn’t contain even a shred of seriousness.  Enter Jack Black to save the day (said nobody, ever).

I’m pretty sure I’ve never read a Goosebumps book, and if I have, I no longer remember.  But that doesn’t really matter, because I know what the books are (goofy-scary, not Saw-scary), so I knew going into the film that it was almost impossible for me to be disappointed.  Just give me some creatures and monsters, throw some kids in to be chased by those monsters, and give those kids a goal that equals how to stop the monsters.  In other words, dance monkeys, dance!

The plot of the movie is exactly as sophisticated as a kids movie should be – every creature and monster from every R.L. Stine book has escaped from those books and the kids must find a way to put them back before they destroy the town (Madison, Delaware) and kill everyone in it.  The kids in question are Zach (Dylan Minnette), Hannah (Odeya Rush), and Champ (Ryan Lee).  Zach is the new kid in town, just moved from New York City with his mom (Amy Ryan), who is the new vice principal at the local high school.  They move in next door to Hannah and her father, R.L. Stine (Jack Black).  Hannah is essentially locked in the house by R.L., but befriends Zach and shows him her secret Ferris wheel.  No, that is not a euphemism, it’s an actual, full-scale Ferris wheel.  Champ is a nerdy kid at the high school who also befriends Zach, eventually getting caught up in the adventure by the lure of girls.  The adventure gets started when Zach and Champ unwittingly unlock and open one of R.L.’s books and off we go.

There’s not much more to it than that and the kid in me loved every minute of it.  If you want any kind of logic for happens in this movie, go somewhere else.  There’s no good explanation for how the monsters came to life – R.L. just explains that, one day, they just did.  There’s even less explanation for the solution (which is hilariously obvious) – R.L. must write another book, but it has to be just right. Naturally, “just right” means “before everyone dies” and, as it turns out, doesn’t even have to be him.  Perhaps the most perplexing part is that the books can be burned.  You would think that would cause the monsters to disappear, but you’d be wrong.  The initial solution is that the monsters can be sucked back into the books (hi there, massive contradiction), so burning them means they get to stay out forever.  And the burning is being done by the lead monster, a ventriloquist dummy named Slappy (voiced by Jack Black).  This movie makes almost no sense, but who cares?  Not eight-year olds – the ones in the theater or the one happily bouncing off the walls in my brain.

In all seriousness, my only complaint about the movie is that the books weren’t indestructible.  It should have been harder for Slappy and crew to avoid going back to their prisons and it should have been harder for R.L. and the kids to defeat them than “just write another book.”  They had an entire high school full of kids and teachers that could have helped recover the books, why not use them as more than just fleeing prom gowns and adolescent suits?  But I digress.

The film is pleasing in the way that all kid books are pleasing – they are short, full of adventure and fun, and they get to the frickin’ point (do you hear that, J.K. Rowling?!).  Everything gets wrapped up in a neat little bow by the end (unless it doesn’t – apparently Stine is a fan of the twist as well), the two boys get to kiss the two girls (Champ wins over his crush, Taylor, played by Halston Sage), and the town goes on as if a bunch of monsters didn’t just almost kill everybody.  Like I said – it’s exactly what I hoped for and my brain got the much needed rest it so desperately wanted.

Rating:  Be serious.  Your kids will enjoy it and you will too, unless you’re dead inside.