By: Kevin Jordan

Dude, you got a computer on your face.


Now, this is a story all about how

My life got flipped-turned upside down

And I’d like to take a minute

Just sit right there

I’ll tell you how I became the target of a group of elite killers, including a clone of me thirty years my junior


In west Philadelphia born and raised (I even wear a Philadelphia hat and confirm my birth city)

On the playground was where I spent most of my days (playground being a euphemism for battlefield and training grounds)

Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool

And all shootin some bad guys with my super-duper sniper skills all over the world (I’m Henry Brogan (Will Smith))

When a couple of guys who were up to no good (well, guy and gal, Clay Verris (Clive Owen), and Janet Lassiter (Linda Emond))

Started making trouble in my neighborhood (by lying to me about my final kill and having me followed by a DIA agent named Danny Zakarweski (Mary Elizabeth Winstead)

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared (just kidding, my mom doesn’t know I’m an assassin and I killed the team of mercenaries sent to kill me in my home)

I said “I’m going to rescue Agent Zaka..Zakawaka..Zachoo..Danny and get the heck out of Dodge”

I am the greatest!

I begged and pleaded with her day after day (actually, I just told her she was the next target and had five minutes to get out)

So she packed a quick bag and we went on our way

She beat up a merc and gave me his teeth

So we hopped on a boat and said “we need a safe place to hide”


First class, yo this is bad (my friend Baron (Benedict Wong) picked us up in his prop plane)

Then getting shot at by my clone in Cartegena

Is this what Clay was doing with my DNA

Hmm this is not alright (including the CGI used to render my clone’s younger face of me..yikes)


But wait I hear a Russian guy can tell me all about the last target I killed

Is this the type of place that they just send this cool cat (anybody else weirded out by having to meet the guy in a bathhouse in Budapest?)

I don’t think so (but at least he told me about the target)

I’ll see when I get there (round two against my clone)

I hope he’s prepared for the prince of state-sanctioned murdered

The CGI looks fine in a single frame.

Well, the plane landed and when I came out

There was a dude who looked just like me standing there with a gun

I ain’t trying to kill him

I just got here

I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared (after fighting him again in another example of clearly and poorly rendered CGI fight scenes)


I whispered to Danny “How’d they know where we were”

Turns out I had a bug in me and my clone dug it out

If anything I could say that this clone was rare

But I thought “Nah, forget it – Yo, homes to Gimini headquarters”


We pulled up at a light in the middle of some town

And my clone yelled to us “Yo homes get out of the van!”

I looked at my kingdom (the town)

We were finally there

To duke it out with Clay and his army as the Prince get the idea


Rating: Ask for all of your money back and for me to never, ever write a review using song lyrics again. You are welcome.