By: Kevin Jordan
Spoon-feeding with a comically oversized ladle.
I did not think Warner Brothers and DC Films could make a worse movie than Green Lantern, but Aquaman is that movie. The point at which Aquaman stepped on my last shred of hope was when the octopus played the drums. I am not making that up. You do not even need context for that visual. Nothing – NOTHING, makes that sentence an acceptable piece of a screenplay not titled SpongeBob SquarePants. One person described the film as a hot mess, but that is not an appropriate description. A hot mess is at least fun and looks good. You might have sex with a hot mess. Aquaman is neither fun nor good-looking (okay, Jason Mamoa and Amber Heard are very good-looking, but that is not the point), and no amount of alcohol or self-delusion is enough to convince you bring it home tonight.
Literally everything about Aquaman is bad and I do not even know where to start. So, here is Aquaman in a nutshell. The dialogue is one thousand monkeys on one thousand typewriters, but if the monkeys were just banging their heads on the keyboard. Yet, somehow, those same monkeys managed to vomit up almost ninety minutes of pure exposition, including Aquaman narrating on multiple occasions and everyone in the film fighting to tell you a story about something. Every attempt at humor is like a puppy dying. There is zero attempt to tie this film to Justice League beyond a mention of Steppenwolf. The acting is a pie to the face (not that the script and screenplay contained anything worthy of any of these actors). And, the special effects are terrible. How the hell does that happen in a $200 million tentpole that everyone is hoping will be at Wonder Woman’s level? I have seen some bad movies this year, but Aquaman is easily as bad as any two of them. Stupid octopus.
Rating: Ask for forty-five dollars back. Yeah – it is that bad.
The sharks are nearly as insipid as the octopus.